A Story About Selfishness – Episode 2

A Story About Selfishness with Roxanne Darling

Today I want to tell you a story about Selfishness. It’s a word and idea that can be very confusing in the Hierarchical Game, but becomes very clear in the Transition Game.


  • First up is a transcript of the audio.
  • Then a response to a listener comment from Episode 1 about what game God wants us to play.
  • Lastly, how to respond to this episode: via my Google Voicemail 505-510-1135, email me, or interact on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook.

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Listen to The Story About Selfishness Episode


Today I want to tell you a story about Selfishness. It’s a word and idea that can be very confusing in the Hierarchical Game, but becomes very clear in the Transition game.

In the first episode I laid out an idea based on the belief that everyone here now is the divine incarnate, playing with limits and boundaries of space and time. When one of us dies, she or he returns to the oneness of all divinity. As souls, we choose to come into form. Here in form, as humans, we have been playing a game called the Hierarchy. It’s a no win game, because at its root, we forget we are divine. We have an endless set of rules that contradict each other, hence the Hierarchical Game is a no-win game. Just like in football, you cannot both play to win at all costs, and be a good sport at the same time. You cannot take 100% good care of yourself, and also live life dedicated to the welfare of others. Everywhere you turn, you will find conflicts of principle, where you have to choose, do I follow this or that? Inevitably, because you’re in a no win game, you may feel good for a while but then the other side of the coin will appear and say to you, well that was cool but what about the things you ignored while you were doing that cool thing? So you served dinner to 50 people on Thanksgving, what about the people down the street who had nothing?

The hierarchical game is a perfect game for codependency. I mastered the art at a young age, believing that my existence here was solely to make others happy, to give of my own energy and talents where ever wanted, to feel shame and deep inadequacy if I wanted to do something for myself or if I tried to ignore the problems I was so deeply enmeshed in. I would become overwhelmed with guilt. Having a high IQ and a huge heart, I believed I could solve problems and alleviate misery. Now and then I could. But I also encountered resentment. I was told to mind my own business.

Then I discovered the Transition Game, and realized, yes! Your problems are none of my business unless maybe you want my help! You too and everyone is the divine incarnate! You can handle this. Who am I to butt into whatever experience your soul is creating for you? I literally know nothing about why you chose to be here.

And speaking for me, I also chose to be here and as the divine, not only can I focus on my own happiness, it is MY JOB to take care of myself first. And no one else’s.

So this brings me to selfishness. It is a life-saving device. It is a very efficient path to self awareness and self acceptance – the two traits that are so useful for both rudimentary survival but also for happiness and expressing myself as a divine being.

In the Transition Game, selfishness, self awareness, and self acceptance are central components. These are the skills I am building. This is how I am remembering my divine connection to all, while having the experience of being separate in body and mind.

In the Transition, god is not a being out there, separate, and certainly not confined to masculinity. It is closer to the idea of the universe, which contains all beings and yet within each being there is the information of the universe, as quantum physics is revealing to us.

In the old days, I literally had feelings of full threat if I said no to people wanting something from me. Just below my consciousness the belief that I had no right to exist if I weren’t taking care of others. I had to learn, one experience at a time, that I was wrong. That in fact I do have a right to be here.

A few years into learning how to. Play the Transition Game, my best friend at the time was turning 30. Her father was having a big party for her and of course I was invited. Over in the Hierarchy Game, I was expected to attend. But in the day of the party, I was in no mood to go mingle and make small talk with a lot of people who I didn’t know. Our friendship was started in a support group. She grew up in the area and had many friends of all ages.

But I knew this was a chance to build a Transition muscle in consciousness. I hoped she would understand. I called her and said I wouldn’t be coming to the party, that I felt it best for me to stay home and not push myself to make small talk for hours with strangers. She was disappointed. And she accepted me and my honesty.

Looking back, who would miss one stranger among a crowd of over 50 people who were celebrating the birthday girl? Perhaps those who would judge that “her best friend really should have sucked it up and showed up.” Perhaps my friend and her dad who genuinely appreciated my presence. Most others would not even know I wasn’t there.

I’d like to highlight the difference between making that harsh judgment, should have sucked it up, and the genuine disappointment my friend felt learning I wouldn’t be there. Disappointments happen. It’s not the end of the world. Judgments happen. It’s not the end of the world.

When the tables are turned and when I remember, I can choose to be judgey or I can soften and allow the disappointment to coexist with me. It does pass. And I feel stronger in my self- acceptance and grateful that others trust me enough to practice their own radical self acceptance. In a way, they are saying,” I don’t need you, Rox. I can take care of myself.” For me, that lifts a huge burden! And if the decades of being a world class codependent taught me anything, it’s that I’m incredibly strong and can handle all kinds of crazy situations! Because, you know, it’s easy for codependent people to get caught up in all kinds of crazy dramas.

I’ve learned that It’s not my job to take care of others, it’s their job to take care of themselves! Yes, there are exceptions for children and animals under my care, or any contracts I have entered into. But otherwise, it’s pretty straightforward. When I mind my own business, others learn to depend on themselves instead of me. I call that a win win! It’s part of my nature to enjoy helping and collaborating – but now I do it with consciousness instead of hidden agendas or because my neuroses gave me no choice.

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Thank you for being You.


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About Roxanne

I use a specialized form of coaching to help people be more of who they are and less of who they're not. I lived in Hawaii for 17 years and now reside in Santa Fe, NM. I work with clients around the world. I invite you to join my "Get Blissed" email list for updates.


  1. * * *
    I guess I’m more like Adrian Monk than I am Roxanne Darling. . .
    When it comes to helping others; sometimes I just can’t help myself.
    IF I fail to do things I know I should to help create a better experience for others…
    it really eats at my memory of the entire event.
    When I participate and do what I think I should, others may or may not
    compliment my actions, but it makes me feel better about my participation
    when I recall what I contributed to the memory of the event . . .
    can I consider that a truly selfish act for myself…?

    Can being selfish really depend on how much I actually do for others…?
    * * *
    Well, now my head hurts. . .

    Thanks for that, Rox. . .


    • Hi Earl, Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment. This is a BIG topic. 🙂 The subtle yet massive distinction I’m making is the difference between acts of kindness due to an imagined moral imperative vs doing things because you truly want to. Mixed in there, can be thinking we know what’s best for others. In my understanding, that’s not possible to know. See the newsletter and “the gift of cancer” comment. I might think I would liked to have been able to prevent her cancer, but why would I deprive her of that gift?

      For me, the watchword or suspect energy is around the “should.” Should I? Says who? Why? Then I go from there…

      My brain has been doing these mind-bending exercise for 25 years! I know the initial “Whuuut?” But the more I practice, the more this makes sense to me – and I don’t believe I am any less kind. Way more authentically kind, though.