In the past year I have experienced several bone-chilling and what felt like back-breaking challenges in my own relationships – several of them! I have also been witnessing this with several friends as well. It has led me to writing a statement of vows – to myself. It also led me to some short and sweet concepts this morning that I want to share with you.
This guidance is for grownups – not small selves or inner kids. If I may be blunt, relationship problems really only occur when “the kids” take over our minds and our mouths and our actions. So the willingness to accept that the less-than-mature part of ourselves got us to this place is necessary if any of the following points will resonate with you and serve to help you feel better. It’s all good news, but sometimes we don’t see it or feel it that way.
When I or my friends are in conflict with each other, it feels easy for the kid in me to take sides. But what I really want, is a happy ending for everyone! That means, wishing well even for the one who is acting the most silly or stupid, from my perspective. Really – as an outsider – I can’t know all the details anyway, so why bother speculating?
So don’t take sides in other people’s conflicts – including your own! Understand that all parties have a role in this drama, and #VibeUp for everyone to get to a place that truly serves their innermost desires. Yes, there may be some pain-in-the-neck aspects of physical reality to address in the interim. But what if a computer program can help with scheduling? Or a new space shows up that offers even more amenities for all concerned? Or household duties get re-assigned (load balanced, as I like to say) so everyone has more quality free time? Or true intimacy turns out to be right under our noses? How cool is that?
Relationship Truisms When Conflict Arises
- It does take two to tango. If one person is fully grounded in their own adult consciousness, it is not very likely that a big painful blowup will occur. So swallow this pill first: Regardless of whatever the other person did, some part of me is goofy here and I am going to clean that up first. It gets my power back, it wakes up my consciousness, and it extracts my energy from whatever discrepancy is going on with the other person.
- In some cases, the first step is enough to be done! It is possible that when one person gets clear about their own neuroses, their own pain, their own faux pas, their own fuck-up to be blunt, it is enough to open the floodgates of self-examination and apologies, and awareness can gush forth from every direction. If so, bring on the gratitude and let “how easy this was” get firmly anchored in your consciousness. Over time, in a consciousness-based relationship, this can be a fun race: who can get their adult mind back in the house first? Crazy, I know, but there can be fun in the middle of all this pain! This part really does get easier with practice.
- But not always. And this is when it gets hard, it’s when your commitment to consciousness shows its true colors. To thine own self be true. Keep cleaning up your own crap, again, regardless of whatever the other person may have done. You will gain from this clean up, there is no waste here. Your consciousness grows. You can change how you act even while the conflict is still happening. That means less you have to clean up or apologize for later. As long as you are waiting on the other person to change, you are not in your grownup mind, body, or spirit. Ouch. I know that can sting. Been there, done that.
- It’s OK to walk away. Not every relationship wants to be saved. I would say however that the longer you have been in it together, the slower to approach this action. Sometimes the “event” was indeed a catalyst to end things, or to end things the way they were, in favor of a new way of being together. If you end something, do so with your consciousness intact. Be grateful for the end result, even though the route was dirty, and bumpy, and messy.
Ummm, How Do You Vibe Up When the Walls Are Caving In?
Short answer: remove yourself from the heat and do something that feels really good to you. Soothe yourself. Get your inner vibration back to humming at a happiness level so you can think and act more clearly. Cry if you want. Move the energy, however you can.
Pain is merely stuck energy that has no place to go. Let things move, including some of your beliefs.
Now go find something to laugh about. Tap into the part of you that knows this will be a great story in a few months or a few years!
If it still feels really hard, I offer sessions to help people sort their kid brain from their adult mind. You can learn to do this!