It’s not that I am not interested in other people’s opinions! I am. So long as they are not focused on black and white thinking. Or repeats of things that have been said so many times before. Or are written in such a way that I cannot get your point.
But I digress! I realize that though I started my first blog in 2001 and my second in 2002, and both were cancelled by _moi_ before gaining any traction, (interpret that however you like) at the core of me is a legacy of narcissism. Combined with a lack of desirable time. Which results —on the surface— in boredom with or lack of interest in others’ diatribes. Here’s how that looks as math (a formula):
bq. narcissism + less time = i stay in my own world
I really think that’s a good thing for me at this point of my life. I mean, having spent 50 some years paying excessive attention to everyone else and how they are doing, feeling, etc., I figure this could actually be the up side of narcissism! Because remember, in the transition there is an absolute criteria for nothing. Narcissism has its positives.
Some counselors of mine once gave me a metaphor for how I’ve lived most of my life. Here’s how that used to look as art (a graphical image):
bq. “Some people will split a vein and let others drink their blood, so to speak. But you Roxanne! You’ve sliced open your core from your sternum to your pubis and invited everyone in for a buffet that never closes. You let them feed from your trough. As much and as often as they please.”
This was an eye opening concept for me. I had already done a decade plus of therapy at this point, and was aware of my “doormat” tendencies. But I think you may agree that this image takes doormat to a whole new level!
Many people who know me now think of me as a tough broad. (My kitchen contractor was quite surprised at how I did not let the Kraftmaid corporate hack talk me out of sending back the defective drawer faces on my new kitchen cabinets. As if it is my fault a maple tree takes 30 years to grow and it was me who shipped the crappy craftsmanship.)
So yes I have made progress in zipping up my belly. And unzipping my mouth. But when it comes to my company and the clients, the urge to let them feed is still fed by the fear that they won’t pay up. The urge to be quiet and nice and let the customer (or the contractor) be right runs deep in my wiring.
I am a firm believer though in “outing” my #2 (that scared little aspect of me) as that seems to take a big chunk of the charge out of any given troublesome topic.
And for that, I have the deepest possible thanks to all of you who have gone before me, baring your hearts and minds and bodies too, so that we all realize, none of this matters and I and you are truly free to be just exactly who I and you are — nothing more, nothing less. You see, I _have_ been reading your posts, and absolutely loving each of you who has chosen to share with me your warts and wackiness and wild and wonderful ways.
